thirty + fourteen

We brought Owen home from the hospital on a Sunday.  It was just the three of us driving home to Bellevue - Joel in the front seat and Owen and I in the backseat.  I couldn't bear the thought of him sitting in the back all alone, so much so that I rode in the backseat with him for all the weeks that I was restricted from driving and for many months after that when the three of us went places together.

Our first afternoon home with him was overwhelming.  I had no idea [NO IDEA!] what I was supposed to do.  He was a troublesome mystery in that way that all new babies who come home with first time parents are troublesome mysteries.We had yet to figure out his disdain for eating or his love for sleeping anywhere anytime as long as it was on somebody.  Put him down, he wouldn't sleep.  Pick him up, out like a light. I wish I could go back and do it all again knowing what I know now.  I don't wish I could go back and do it all again as a first time mom.  That was terrifying.

He was a beautiful baby and so tiny (like all new babies are). As Joel unloaded the car, Owen and I sat in a plaid chair (that once belonged to my great-grandmother) and I remember thinking, "now what?" This was the beginning of the months and months of my life where I couldn't put him down and walk out of the room without my heart breaking. Friends who knew me then that still know me now will tell you that the last sentence is not an exaggeration. Could. not. put. him. down.

Tonight, Owen and I are home again - just the two of us.  In a somewhat strange turn of events, Sarah headed out to see the Avengers movie with her dad and Owen stayed home with me.  He's cleaning his room and doing his homework and wandering up and down the stairs and in and out of the living room talking about school and comic books and plans for the weekend.  He turned fourteen last Sunday.  He was confirmed Wednesday night and tonight, fourteen years to the day after we brought him home from the hospital he's helping me celebrate my birthday again. These last fourteen years have been amazing.  And hard. But mostly amazing.  I'm doing my best to pay attention to these moments - part of the reason I'm writing this down.  It goes so quickly.  Cliche, but true.